Sometimes the Pain You Feel Inside



The Pain You Feel Inside


Sometimes the pain you feel inside

Is not the right thing to hide


We seem to all have something in our head

That sometimes fills us with dread


You need to talk and listen carefully

Only then can you be truly free


And illness may boil up inside of you

And you may not know what to do


So many people can help a lot

With every raging thought


Sometimes it’s not the thing to hide

What seethes and boils inside


You first need a Doctor you can talk to

About feeling stressed or blue


Or talk to about the voices thoughts and feelings

That affect all of your daily dealings


Only honesty and care and making those around you aware

Can push away those thoughts that leave you scared


We all have things we hold inside

But they are not the thing to hide


We all need someone to be an ear

And it’s not always those we hold dear


If you are hurting deep in your mind

There are so many who are kind


Special Doctors, counselors and therapists

Who can help you deal with all of this


Sometimes the pain you feel inside

Is not the thing that you should hide


Well, today I thought I would compose a poem that I didn’t need to publish so I could put it on here.  I love to write, and sometimes it is easier for me to express what I feel through poetry.  This is common for many people.  I always encourage people with mental illnesses to keep a journal, but I should add further how important it is to have some kind of creative endeavor.  I know that the Schizophrenia Society of which I am a member of has a painting class and a life skills class and both of them can be really beneficial.

I don’t know really what it is about being creative that is healing, soothing even for a person with a mental illness.  Perhaps it is something that is healing and soothing for everyone only people with mental illnesses seem to lock themselves away.  It isn’t surprising when there are so many horror movies and reports from the media about mentally ill people going off on a rampage.

It is a funny thing, but for a long time I was very reluctant to tell anyone I had a mental illness.  I can even recall times (especially when I was in the middle of a serious psychosis) that I flat out lied to people.  I remember one time that still comes back to haunt me where I actually had delusions that I owned a nightclub in my home town and I went up to one of the bouncers and told him someone kept telling me I owned the place.  He asked if I had ever been in a mental hospital, and though I had just gotten out of one I said no.  The guy was actually being kind of understanding about the whole thing but I was so ashamed.

But regardless, now that I am more comfortable with who I am and any illness that I try not to let define me, I tell just about everyone that I have a mental illness, and I very often have people say, “oh, my sister has a mental illness and goes in the hospital a lot when she goes off her medication” or, “my father was a schizophrenic, I would really like to buy your book” or even “I have been taking medications for a number of years now.”  Still, it is a hard thing to do, even with professionals to be truthful about the demons in your head.  When I look back now at my first few hospital admissions, if I had been honest with my Doctor I would have been behind closed doors for a lot less time and likely have been helped more.

The funny thing is that I have few regrets about the past.  I owe a lot of that to the meditation I undertake, it is such a soothing and renewing process, and I owe even more to my ability to write about being ill and knowing that I helped people through a rough patch.  Although it may have been dangerous, though I was always with a certified instructor, I probably never should have taken flying lessons, but flying is such an interesting and rewarding part of my life to this day I don’t regret it.  I even don’t regret the student loan I took out to pay for it that is still on the books 24 years later.

But I think I should stress that it really doesn’t make sense to not talk to your Psychiatrist about everything that goes on in your head and heart.  They have heard it all and are trained to help.  If you find that your Doctor judges you in any way or doesn’t seem to care at all, in most cases it is your option and your right to find a different Doctor.  I often wonder about what people in poorer countries where facilities like I have access to in Canada don’t exist.  If any of these people are accessing this page and are unable to find help for their mental health issues, I invite them to write to me,    I would really like to help anyone I can through this blog, it is what it is here for.  If you have any topics you would like me to discuss here, also please email me.  Other than that, please enjoy today’s photos and poem and look towards the future where there is always hope.

DSC_0065 3

One comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s