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Hope you enjoy today’s photo and poem. Blog after the Poem today.
Trapped among the flames of sweet desire
Without knowing it I dance a little closer to the fire
Years ago it wasn’t anything like this
Now I could smash a plate glass window with my fist
Steal whatever is behind the glass
Sell it for a pittance all in cash
I’ll do anything to get another hit
Except maybe wait any more for it
I bought into the dream of what it was about
Feeling good washed away any of my doubts
I started slow, I used to just smoke a little weed
I crossed the line going from want to need
I could stop and go to detox for a while
Go to twelve step meetings choking on my bile
But I’m too true to my own self to just kick
Living without the crystal seems so sick
Meth gives me a reason to get out of bed
And look in the mirror to check if I am dead
Steal a little, deal a little it will be alright
Until the cops come to get me and I have to fight
You can still get a little low-grade in the can
By doing things not meant for any man
Screw it all anyway the world is so freaking fake
Those that say this stuff will kill you are on the take
I can scam my parents for enough to get a twenty
They wine about the money but they have plenty
In fact they owe me more than just that little bit
I don’t care if it puts my dad into another fit
How does anyone expect me to live without the meth
When all around me is poverty and pain and death
I could quit, but right now I need the high
After just a couple tokes I will fly
You’re right when you say meth kills you from inside
Don’t mourn for me because my soul already died
September 7, 2017
Well, good morning/evening dear readers. I thought I would talk a bit about addiction. I felt compelled to write the above poem without ever having experienced smoking Crystal Meth. I did read some pretty harrowing accounts of true stories of addicts. I even once was walking down the street I lived on and found a bag full of the stuff. I also find needles all the time and I constantly have to deal with drunk people looking for money, cigarettes or anything else they can get out of me. I try to give a little when I can, but sometimes a person gets jaded.
One reason someone, especially someone like me shouldn’t get jaded is that not long ago I wasn’t much better off than these people. There was the time when I was mentally ill and had to live in a homeless shelter which was the very definition of hell, and there were also times when I was trapped badly into addictions with either booze or gambling or cigarettes. It seems that I have gotten over most of those things, but temptation still comes at me from every corner, and I am sure it happens to a lot of people with bipolar in a similar way. Just yesterday I had to make a decision to sell some stock I had that had a lot of promise to do well because I realized that if I didn’t I just might get the gambling bug again. It is hard to describe, but gambling addiction is a lot like adrenalin addiction. Adrenalin addiction causes some people to base jump, bungy jump or even rob banks or liquor stores. When I was gambling, I was so restless all the time and edgy until I could go and put some money on a blackjack table or into a slot machine to try and get some ‘free’ money. I ended up going to 12 step meetings for a long time after stopping, and they helped, but I think a person can become too dependent on such methods of recovery.
Alcohol was another thing altogether. I started drinking as a young child, just a little champagne on Christmas and such. By the time I was 14 I was raiding the liquor cabinet and the wine closet. I soon found out that I would get out of control in a hurry. One time I nearly froze to death after drinking a bottle of whiskey in the winter and passing out in a snow bank. Another time I broke a friend’s collar bone, another time I broke the leg of a manager I worked for. I tried to slow down my drinking, but later in life I realized that unless I quit completely, eventually I would end up in a situation where I wished I hadn’t taken a drink.
The simple fact is really that if you suffer from a mental illness, you can’t just give up on yourself and dive into a bottle or throw your life away with drugs or gambling and crime. Your mental health is just one aspect of many facets of a life and quite often a person can work on being as healthy as possible in all other ways than mental health, and then work with their doctor to deal with their mental health issues. I am so lucky to have support, a good doctor and some positive role models who don’t smoke or drink and care for my well being. I hope this brings some light to someone who reads it, as usual, feel free to message me at firstname.lastname@example.org, I would love to hear from you!