Month: May 2018

Poetry, Mental Health Talk and a Dragonfly

 

 

(Scroll past today’s Poem for Today’s Blog Post)

Travel Through the Circle

By: Leif Gregersen

 

As a child life was so simple

Simply laugh and play and run

I was under God’s protection

And cared for by everyone

 

Then I got a little older

Suddenly the world was not so nice

Everyone seems to want a robot worker

To just pay tax and sacrifice

 

And then I met a woman

I loved her dearly; she was fond of me

I made my first commitment

And within that love-bond I felt so free

 

Love at first seems to be the great redeemer

That finally makes your soul complete

But now even that is all behind me

As into loneliness and middle age I retreat

 

Life is not so simple

Once you travel through the years

But there is one thing I know for certain

For self-love you need to face your fears

 

I was scared of being hurt by my partner

So I hurt her before she could hurt break my heart

If I had only told her that I loved her

I wouldn’t have this pain of being torn apart

 

But you have to keep on living

For those you will one day leave behind

Always care for the children

And a new kind of love you’ll find

 

May 28, 2018

 

Well, I started my day by boarding a bus and heading to the blood clinic. I was given a blood sugar level test and the clinic people decided they were able to proceed with the further test for diabetes since my blood sugar level was below 7.8 but they wouldn’t tell me how far below. I was given a drink that was almost syrup and then had to sit and wait for two hours then was given another blood test. The second test was to see how well my body handles sugar. Two days ago I was given the word that I have diabetes. This was a little hard to take. I have worked in senior’s homes where people with diabetes have had multiple amputations because of the illness, and when I was a kid I was deathly afraid of diabetes, so much so that I greatly limit my sugar intake and exercise as much as I can. But it is a cold, hard fact that I am going to need to change my diet even further. The hard part about that has to do possibly with the medications I am on. I crave fatty foods, I get hungry in the middle of the night and get up to eat small snacks. I don’t recall in the past five years if I have ever felt that my blood sugar level was low, but there certainly have been many times where I indulged in fatty foods to excess. I kind of feel that this is an illness that many people with a mental illness face, if not for the medication, for the simple reason that their lives are so devoid of normal pleasures, eating becomes the only thing they can do to feel good.

All in all I feel fairly supported by family and friends. I have decided to begin a vegetarian diet where I eat a lot more fruits and vegetables, but occasionally indulge in small amounts of white meat such as chicken and fish.

As far as my life in general goes, I am facing what could work out to be a tough month. I have signed a contract to teach poetry classes at a homeless agency with the hopes of teaching street people enough about poetry to compose poems for a special booklet that is being published to help deal with opiod abuse. This is actually a fascinating subject, I have been reading up what I can about it, but the funny thing is even at the biggest book store (actually the only new book store in Edmonton that has many branches-Chapters/Coles/Indigo) there are books available to order, but none at all on the shelves. Even at the library I was only able to get two short books with just facts about drugs that were aimed at teenagers.

Something I don’t like to admit is that in a small way I have an addiction of my own. I have a very hard time sleeping and often stay up all night (writing blogs and stuff) but if I have something important to do, I may take a sedative or sleeping pill to help me rest. I would prefer to do without these completely, but often it comes down to taking something or being out of it or even sleeping right through something I really want to do.

I am also having some worries about my mental health because I am going to see my Doctor on Tuesday and he is going to try me out on a new medication, either ability or invega, I don’t remember which. On the lighter side, I used to have a roommate who has been put on one of these two drugs and he has gone through a noticeable change. I am just nervous that if I try this new drug and there are any problems, it will mess up my opportunity to teach that poetry workshop that runs all through June. Anyhow dear readers, thanks for joining me on my journey. I see there are comments from my previous blog entry, I look forward to reading them and encourage anyone who reads this to send me mail or messages. Best,

LG

 

 

 

Sidewalk Poetry and Discovering I’m An Artist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, dear readers. Today is kind of unique. The two photos above display both my love of photography and of poetry. These are two poems that I submitted to a contest to be sandblasted into the sidewalk in my neighbourhood that were accepted.

A lot of interesting things have been going on in my life but that is not what I want to talk about today (and likely shouldn’t ever unless I finally win that Nobel Prize I’ve been after). I am going to be teaching two classes in the next month and have completed training to be a telephone peer support counsellor. Working for two nonprofit organizations is odd for me, but filled with joy and pleasure. I work with so many people whose whole mission in life is to reach out to the most disadvantaged in our society and to make their lives better. I even am starting to keep running into people who have been marginalized for many reasons and really feel a strong bond with them. Many people know about opiod abuse and the deaths that fentynal and other drugs have been causing, but few of these people are educated enough about the feelings and dangers associated with these drugs. I have been asked to facilitate four poetry workshops at an inner city agency for people to learn how to express themselves better through poetry. The poems that come out of this project will go into a booklet that will be distributed to some of the rougher parts of town.

I guess what I have most in mind right now is a belly ache that has been bothering me for a few days now. I am pretty sure it’s nothing serious, but there is some pain and a doctor I went to see has set me up for x-rays, an ultrasound, and some blood tests which I will get done in the morning. The thoughts I have on these things is that a lot of us can so easily get caught up in work, in planning for a vacation, and many of you who read this blog, can get caught up in trying to somehow attain that elusive situation of good mental health, but it does very little if your physical health isn’t on track. I keep watching a video on Youtube from a movie by Oliver Stone (Any Given Sunday) where Al Pacino gives a talk to some football players at half time and says (and I paraphrase) “When you get old in life, you start losing things. The trouble is you don’t know about it until they are already gone.” It really makes me think about how important good physical health is, because we are all getting older, even the smallest baby and the happiest billionaire (if there is such a thing as a happy billionaire). Sometimes I piss and moan about all my health problems, from arthritis in my joints to my declining vision and the sore muscles I get when I exercise. If that’s what 46 is like, I wonder what 80 or 90 will be like if I make it that far.

I have a brother who is going through some really difficult times with his back and other issues, and I wish I could somehow help him, but I wonder sometimes that if he was even in perfect health if there was a way he would feel content and positive about it. His is a sad case, he suffered for many years from mental illness and I got him some help and he was soon put on a disability pension. At first, he looked at the bright side of it and talked about using his time to learn a language and other things. But I think what the problem was at that time was that he didn’t take a hard look at his mental illness and get to work on that so he could move on and do some of these wonderful things. I feel very responsible for his condition because I got him help when he first asked for it and I have been in a position to do things for him to help him get through the tougher times.

So what I want to say to all of you, is very old and very cliche. Take care of your health. Love yourself enough to go for annual checkups, quit smoking or using drugs or alcohol. They only take away from what can be wonderful experiences. Get your exercise, especially on cold days when you don’t want to. Care for those you love and be generous with them. When I was a young boy it seemed like I would never grow up. I often think of a book my brother was reading when I was in elementary school called “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” and thinking to myself about how old someone in grade four was compared to me. Don’t waste your life, if you are out of work make the best of it. Walk to the library each day with a notebook and write poetry, use the computers and suck the marrow out of life. If you have a mental illness, find ways to use the bad things that you went through to help others who are going through the same thing. One day you may realize that giving really makes life worth living. And with that dumb little poem, I will wrap up.

LG

The Natural Cycle of Life, Love, and Mental Illness

        This was just before the winter began in Edmonton. Look for summer photos soon!

 

Poetry For My Fellows (blog to follow)

 

I thought I had gotten

As well as could be

But the voices and cravings

Got the better of me

 

Slowly the world shifted

Somehow I was at its core

I won’t give you excuses

I just won’t speak of it anymore

 

When you lose you mind

It doesn’t go all in one day

But it will strike you blind

No matter what people say

 

Yes I went crazy

Yes I was insane

No I did not choose it

This imbalanced brain

 

I want to be normal

Have kids and a wife

But most people don’t even trust me

With a dull butter knife

 

It’s hard to keep going

Alone and hopped up on meds

Writing weird poems

While everyone rests in their beds

L. Gregersen, May 8, 2018

Well, it has been a good and bad day. My head is reeling a bit because I have been working very hard and denying myself a lot of things and then I went and gave away $630.00 that I don’t think I will ever get back. I find it so hard to not be generous with people I care about. The fact is that it doesn’t hurt me much to give away that money, I just really feel a bit foolish about it.

Today I went for an eight kilometre walk, then later went swimming and to be honest I feel great. It’s just that I really don’t know if I will even sleep tonight. It sometimes seems this blog only gets written if I can’t sleep, but often it does seem to help. I have to do a presentation tomorrow and I also have to drop off some stuff with my brother. I have to admit feeling a bit lost because my Dad is in Denmark right now and I have come to really depend on him. I used to think he was an awful, cruel person, but now I just see him as a sweet, caring man who used to have an anger problem and is dealing with it. He also went through hell to quit drinking and since my Mom passed away he has done some incredibly kind things for me. I have to admit to having an anger problem of my own that meditation is helping me to deal with. I also am going to sign up for therapy soon after I come back from Toronto late this month.

I just can’t believe how far I have come. Sometimes I think about being killed in a car accident or something and I really feel confident that I have done enough to have led a worthwhile life. One of the big things for me was that I wanted my words to live beyond my simple existence, and in many ways I have accomplished that. I have even had two of my short poems sandblasted into the sidewalk in my neighbourhood for all to see. As a kid I always thought that the really amazing writers, the greats, never really die because their words go on. I also feel really happy because I seem to have gotten myself into a state of balance, a state of recovery in my mental illness. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and give a little bit of it to the young people who are still struggling, let them know that there is a lot of hope and that it is so important to keep fighting the illness (bipolar/schizophrenia/all others) because the human mind and body is so amazing and adaptable that although it may take a lot of time, life can be so good, and I do feel that life is precious and that all of us are loved. Hope that helps a bit dear readers! Stay with me and keep your membership to this website, I am planning some awesome changes in content and structure soon after I return from my trip!

 

Four Poems, a Photo and a Brief Blog

 

Have a quick look at the previous photo to put this one in perspective.

 

Here are some poems that I submitted to a magazine but were turned down today. I hope my readers here see some value in them:

Walking Meditation
There is a way to meditate
That doesn’t require chanting
Walking meditation
 
Focus on breathing, the first step is to mind your breath
Be mindful of your surroundings too
Use the clash of images
 
To clear your mind
Breathe slowly
 
Focus
 
And try not to think of this poem
 

END

 
 
 
I Remember You
 
If I described it to you it would no longer matter
This thing you call a relationship
 
If the emotion and the feeling isn’t there
My words won’t create them
 
Years before we met
I saw you on the bus
 
You were so cute, so beautiful
So young, fresh and perfect
 
And when I saw you again
Not only did the years melt away
 
But you had become old enough
To hit on
 
You see, my words can only
Ruin things
END
 
 
 
Living Room View
 
I stared out my window
And pondered my day
The moon in its brilliance
The sunrise approaching
 
Life giving water
Strewn frozen below
Thinking of places
Where the water is ocean
 
Where the sun climbs above you

As you lay in the sand

 
 
END
 
 
The Tall Oaks
 
Further up are the oak trees lining 97th street
They weren’t here before, they just seem to be
From a thousand years ago
 
They stretch their long limbs pretending
To be wariors brandishing swords
As the masses
 
Safely traverse the street below
END

Today’s Blog:

Well, not a whole lot to say today. I am kind of curious if there are any other writers out there who would like to form an online group of some sort to critique each other’s work and support our efforts. There are tons on Facebook, but they all seem impersonal.

Well, my mental health seems to be good. Lately I have been looking into CBT or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and it seems it can really help someone like me. From what I understand, with many sessions and a lot of work, I can train my mind to stop going into negative thinking. Something I don’t like to talk about much is that there are a few ideas ‘stuck’ in my consciousness. Some of them are memories of things I’m ashamed of doing, some of them are results of delusions I had about some girls I knew when I was in my early teens. It makes it pretty hard to function when these memories seem to keep beating me down, but I am starting to see hope that I can gain more control over them.

Other than that, I have been neglecting my physical health a little. One one side, I have been drinking a lot of fruit and vegetable smoothies, but on the other side I haven’t been getting as much exercise as I should. It is so important to keep yourself feeling healthy with a balanced diet, medication taken on time and regular exercise because things can degenerate quickly.

So, I will end things at that. I just felt my readers might like some of the new styles of poetry I have been experimenting with. I hope all of you have a wonderful Spring, except for those darned Australians who I hope have a wonderful Fall 😉