Well, I have fallen into the good habit of trying to spend as much time outside as I can possibly manage. One of the benefits of this is that I see a lot of sunsets and sunrises, and to my great surprise after living in Edmonton most of my life is that they really are beautiful beyond measure. Look for more like this soon.
Last night, I had what bordered on a really good time but my mental health seemed to want to take any enjoyment of my company or the meal I ate away from me. I went to meet a friend at a coffee shop and it was a pretty busy place. I have to admit that I stand out possibly partly because I am tall and wear clothes more suited to the outdoors, but I am also bald as a cueball. As I sat working on a Christmas poem, I had the strongest feeling that people around were angry with me for some reason, it seemed I was overhearing comments about my hair or my sweater, judgemental comments. Then my friend arrived, and it only seemed to get worse. This has been going on a lot lately and I am pretty sure it is the part of me that suffers from schizophrenia making things worse on me.
I don’t really know a lot of easy solutions to problems like this, I am certainly not a doctor and can only give small suggestions of things that work for me and may not work for others. What was disturbing was that in my false thoughts, I often felt like I had been wronged. Tonight I thought back to my high school days, which were now 40 years ago and I started to figure something out with respects to a couple of young woman I once was a passing acquaintance to. These were over-achievers and I admired their hard work and dedication, but somewhere along the line, my mind convinced me they were working with me. Seemingly, now, having insight brought on by years of taking medications and Doctor’s advice, I have come to realize that they never were a part of my life. They were parts of things like toys and such that could truly help ease stress and better cope with life’s daily trials. Having this insight into my treatment goals is like gold to me as my delusions regarding these two young women were perhaps the most harmful. What must have been disturbing for me in early years was knowing they read letters I sent that made no sense, that came to no point. It is very common with people who suffer from schizophrenia to feel they are being persecuted. My delusional thinking was so intense that I thought there were billions of dollars that I had never touched, that I had won huge book awards and other things. Somehow, my brain in its diminished capacity thought that these two women mentioned above were somehow the key to all my my suffering and misunderstanding. I wish I could name them here, but I am hoping they know who they are.
What I have often found so amazing is that when I was sent to the Alberta Hospital there were psychiatrists and staff members who were vey well trained, and had the ability to get me functioning again in a short time. I almost can’t imagine the level of clarity that a person gets when the right medications are found. Suddenly there is room in life for so many beneficial things from reading to visiting arcades.
I truly hope that I won’t get sick again, but even now after a long period of sanity I can see the other part of me edging through to my conscious thoughts quite often. I have been avoiding going swimming and working on preparing for my job as a creative writing group facilitator, but swimming was one of the times when I most felt part of a community, where I had friends I could talk to, something I feel is so essential that some people could actually delay or even control their mental illnesses with by becoming aware of the power of social interaction and learning. Being a creative writing facilitator has been awesome, I feel very much more respected being able to teach others something they may use to benefit their wellbeing or even their recreation time, and it has gotten me through difficult times in an amazing way.