Hello my good readers. As I write this, it is 5:00am on Sunday. I am thinking about a lot of different things right now, one of them is the phone conversation I am having with a friend who has to be at work in 3 hours and hasn’t slept at all. Another big thing on my mind is wondering if I will be disappointed or not if I go try and see Star Wars today. Then there is the part of my brain that never seems to stop, my critical voice. In my head there always seems to be a dialogue. What most often goes through it is distant memories of wrongs I feel have been done to me by random people. There is the time some ex-friends of mine decided they hated me so much they would set me up to have a young woman we knew go through the motions of seducing me and then out of nowhere punched me in the face and had all her friends come out of hiding near us to laugh at me. Then there was another time when I went to cross a street and was nearly hit by a guy and I walked in front of his car and he decided to use that as a reason to get out of his car and punch me repeatedly in the face while I was down and never fought back at all. These things are clearly wrong, but the worst part of them is that I let them anger me now, years after I will never see these people again. There are some things that help (and there are many more of these thoughts), one of them of course is medications. I can recall being in the hospital and being off all medications and just being tormented. Now it is sort of something that just bothers me, but it never seems to really stop. The one thing I know that can help is meditation. Simply sitting down, or even walking and counting or even just noticing my breath while I try to focus on clearing my mind of all thoughts is such a liberating experience. It has actually even been proven to reverse brain damage in certain people. I only wish I could take the time to practice it enough to really make a difference.
Aside from all that, Christmas is coming closer. It is going to be a short and somewhat boring time for me I think. I like it to be boring because it is hard for me to think about my mom being gone, even though it is now 7 years since she died. I don’t think people really ever get over that kind of a loss. I feel better about her being gone, but still sad. I also keep having the urge to pick up the phone and call her, and I really wish she could have lived long enough to see me become a successful and published author. My mom inspired me to write in so many ways. At first she only really inspired me to read, but deep in me I knew that writing was what I wanted to do. Even in elementary school I would write and draw my own comic books and I always entered any writing contests our school put on, not to mention discovering early on that I had a bit of a talent for poetry.
Sometimes when I think of my daily life and the voices/dialogue that runs through my head and how I often have to hide myself away and sleep for long hours at a time to decompress from a stressful week, I think I’m really messed up. Lately I have been having problems writing short stories but I have been focusing a bit more on poetry. All I really know is that if I keep writing every day I will start to improve, though I have a lot of improving to do. It can be so hard to learn anything from reading books about writing. Lately I tried paying a friend with a PhD to teach me how to edit my work and it got to be so expensive I couldn’t continue. Fortunately in the New Year we have been talking about a different arrangement. The main problem right now is just having too much free time on my hands. I wish I could just write for 8 or 10 hours a day but that takes so much out of a person. I have often heard from professional writers that the burn out time is about 2 hours a day which means 22 hours of tedium and wasted time, but 2 hours seems to be the most I can sit and write. I can’t imagine that writers like James A. Michener wrote only 2 hours a day, or a lot of other authors did the same, but 2 hours seems to be the best way to get the most quality and creativity out of myself. Please let me know if any of my readers have experience with this, I would love to share it on here in future entries.
When it comes down to it, there are some important things I have to remember. I am a person with a severe mental health issue and I need to make my mental health a priority. Medications on time, appointments kept, diet, exercise and sleep carefully monitored. Stress kept to a minimum and work only taken on when it is worthwhile and with reasonable compensation. Not that I mind volunteering, but I don’t consider a lot of the volunteer work out there to really be work. I would love to go back to visiting dying patients, I greatly enjoy writing for my community newspaper as a volunteer. But when I work very difficult jobs like the one I have setting up concerts, it better be worth it! Until I can meet all those requirements, I don’t need to worry about being some great writer or changing the world, I just need to do what makes me happy. Anyhow, I wrote a poem about poverty and charity and homelessness, which I am posting below, I hope you enjoy it!
Around us children suffer, most are deaf to all their cries
People grow a little tougher, and each day part of their heart dies
Will you watch the pain around you getting worse and worse each day
Or will you force your very bone and sinew to try to find another way
Let your mind be opened, let your heart grow sensitive
Don’t leave the masses hoping that someone else will give
There are refugees with nothing, there are nations needing aid
Let your life mean something more than just working and being paid
Don’t just open up your wallet, don’t just pay instead of care
One person’s money will not solve it, we all must give, we all must share
Right here it’s dirty, cold and unforgiving on the frozen windy street
No one has any hope to make a living with no place to rest and warm their feet
This world needs healers, lovers, helpers, who aren’t afraid to lose it all
It needs food and love and shelters, do you hear that noble call?
Once I myself was sick and all alone, I had nowhere to go
I had lost my love, my mind, my home, I was hurting so
It ended with me living among the homeless, day by day hiding my pain
I felt so completely worthless, I don’t think I could do that all again
Will you push yourself to help the poor, give what you can as there is a need
Can you open your heart and open your door, set aside all selfishness and greed
I’ve had to fight addictions, I had to fight for my new home
I fought through more than one eviction, and I mostly fought alone
But taking the blessings I was given, I’ve made a brand new life
I’ve worked as though one driven, to put behind me all that strife
Remember that we all received a present, perfect peace, eternal life and bliss
Christmas day is when God sent it, he wants us to share that and our other gifts
December 20, 2015