(scroll down for a look at today’s poem)
So, for those of you who don’t know, this is me some years ago. Since then I have gained a few pounds, my hair is not naturally blond anymore and I have quite a bit more money than I did then. This picture shows me wearing faded jeans with holes in them, a leather jacket my brother gave me and a sweater that used to be my Dad’s. Funny how when you look back, in some ways you had everything someone could wish for, but at the same time had nothing.
In this picture I was still a young man yearning to be a writer. Now, I am actually a person who is considered a professional writer. As I did then, I now live alone, but have a lot more supportive and encouraging friends in my life. I think back then I had a condition similar to the one I have now, that is a sense that I’m not really there, that the things going on around me aren’t real.
Anyhow, to get down to brass tacks, once again I have found myself needing to get to sleep for something important and completely unable to sleep. I have even taken some melatonin and a sleeping pill together and can’t even seem to lay still in bed. I often wonder if a day filled with high energy activating does this to me. Yesterday I took a long walk with my dad and then went for an invigorating swim. First thing this morning, I walked about six kilometres to an appointment and back, then walked later to a hospital to visit a sick friend.
I don’t really seem to understand what the solution is to this dependence I seem to be getting for sleep aids. I know that if I go on the ones my doctor will eventually prescribe that they will start to affect my memory. I also know that there are certain rules I am not following regarding my sleep. The first one, is that often I sleep in. The second is that I don’t avoid caffeine after a certain hour, and one of the worst ones is that I often take naps. If I could somehow stop doing these things I am sure I will be able to lick my problem with sleeping pills, but they can be very hard things to do, especially when a person doesn’t work full-time. I don’t know now if I am able to work full-time, though I do feel I am close. It almost scares me that in my life I have never really held down a full-time job for any amount of time. I just end up getting too stressed out, I become unable to sleep as always and walk around work like a zombie. Eventually I just sleep in, unplug the phone and let them fire me as I get the morning rest I feel I desperately need. This is a luxury I am sure is not available to millions of people who have a mental illness and don’t have a disability pension.
Well, that is about all I can type on that subject for now. I think I am going to try and write a poem today, any feedback would be appreciated.
Years, Months, and Days All Slip By In a Haze
life keeps lingering in the dark wee hours
the joys of youth slip away that once were ours
we long for days when resting simply meant putting down your head
now I begin to fear my next refreshing rest will come when I’m dead
To think of times of stuffy bears and being tucked in by dad
the only joy I needed in life was the love my family had
a brother, sister, mom, and dad and a little cat
riding bikes with friends far and wide with my Pittsburg Pirates hat
summer came so slowly and slipped away so fast
now it seems that summer only meant happiness far back in the past
I don’t want to reminisce too much and cut open a scar
Because I know when I think of my departed mom my thinking has gone too far
So let me dream of the future, accept but forget the past
let me think of conquests and adventures that soon will go by so fast
In honesty it feels so good to live alone and choose my own personal fate
I have everything I wanted now, including freedom for which I no longer have to wait
Yes it was hard to lose my mom and one day I will lose my father too
I can’t explain how I will feel on that day or what things I will have to do
I just know that being a grown-up means facing some pretty harsh realities
But it all can be so special because as a grown-up you are free.